Yesterday a dear friend said to me
If she continues to ail the way she has been, then she’d rather not keep going.
She’s ailing physically but I know she’s ailing in other ways too.
It occured to me that life’s fragility is a truth that takes effect the day we breathe our first breath.
I can’t know the heart of her really. Neither can she of mine or us of anyone else.
But I fear the clouds in her heart are limiting her visibility and chipping away on her soul.
I also know on a good day, when she’s hurting less or not hurting at all, she’ll see clearly and the sky will resume its limitlessness.
But for now, my heart aches for her.
And then I think of this beautiful wild rose that caught my eye the other day.
I met this beauty at it’s crossroads of full bloom and withering.
Its wrinkles and folds were turning to different shades of elegance and warmth.
And in the sunshine, I noticed highlights of gold.
In that moment I made a wish as though I’d seen a shooting star
For all of us to grow past our full bloom into our days of dust
Tempered with large portions of love – both self and communal and much grace
To help us keep pace as we edge our way towards the end of life’s race.
Marveled by how much this one has flourished since we last connected 3 weeks ago! I suppose stepping away offers the gifts of a fresh perspective and a better sense of the growth that’s happening slowly but surely, in the backdrop of the seemingly mundane, everyday passing of time and life.
I look up, I realize there’s plenty still needing letting go. But when I look down, I realize how much has already been let go this season. Winter’s around the corner and the natural elements in the ecosystem and in our bodies will ensure every single one will be released, will fall off and return to the soil. Looking forward to those shorter darker colder days and months of hunkering down and restoring the inner and outer balance. In the meanwhile, for every leaf that’s left and fallen, I’ve made a new deeper more meaningful connection either with myself or with another beautiful mind in my tribe. If falling this hard offers so much beauty, so much deep authentic sharing and this much connecting … I’ll free fall more and often. Fall is quickly falling out of time, always with grace.
Which winter’s skeleton’s taller I wondered as I walk past one of my favorite trees in the hood. Do you marvel at and look deeply into the eyes and souls of your neighborhood trees ? Noticing them through their fall shedding, spring rebirth and summer’s bloom as a lover looks deep into their love’s eyes.
Magic and mystery have a way of sparkling into our lives right when we are at the cusp of forgetting about such powers and possibilities. May we never cease to dream, aspire and believe in the sacredness about this thing we do called life!
This day is the most beautiful day, today could be. I dabble with words, too afraid to still my restless heart. I feel both a dull ache and a hollowness inside. As well, a warmth caressing me under the afternoon sun. I have pulled over simply to indulge in what’s surrounding me and to take note of the vastness of the blue above. I feel the depths within, like never before, just like the last time and every time before. Alas! It only takes a horizontal dash in the sky, To settle my weary heart. Thank goodness for spirits and symbols Always showing up in mysterious and timely ways Ridding the lonely out of my aloneness.
One day, just like that In the rush of life I had stopped tending to my plants. Until suddenly I took notice Of that huge cobweb sticking out of the hedge Glistening under the warm autumn light In between my beautiful houseplants. I stopped – part aghast, part curious! Upon closer examination, I discovered There was more than one cobweb. I suppose houseplants too need tending to – dusting off the spiderwebs, pulling out the weeds, repotting and what not. Until there’s room to breathe and grow.
I suppose, our thoughts make for gardens of our mind. and in that sense, it occurs to me That just like that, in the rush of life I had suddenly stopped tending to my thoughts, Leaving my mind’s garden to be taken over by cobwebs and weeds. Nothing captures the passage of time and being left alone as beautifully and nostalgically as does the arrival and settling of dust. Chickweeds, clovers, docks and thistles haven been taking over my mind’s landscape. Those buttercups and dandelions though sweet, playful and necessary even for attracting pollinators … Are all crowding my mind’s spaces
I had to finally stop and take notice Of these thoughts that are growing wild The know which ones I really want to cultivate and the ones I need to dust off and pull out. I’m tending to my mind’s garden and my precious houseplants. Picking up and tidying my quarters Hoping for some peaceful quiet and respite. Making room for growth. 🌻
Sometimes I think of myself as a grazer, a thought grazer I mean. Cows I’m told are ruminants with 4 stomachs that spend hours each day grazing, Blue skies or gray.
I too often feel like an oblivious and frequent grazer, a ruminator, a chewer, a muller, a regurgitator. It’s like the subtle sound of the venting system at work or at home. Just loud enough to know its there but it’s the kind that stays on all day all night.
Earlier today I had relieved myself a bit from a long standing perhaps petty even rumination and goodness did I feel lighter and relieved!
I inhaled kindness and exhaled letting go and I found a skip in my step!
It’s then 3 PM and I’m hustling to meet my hygienist downtown on a mid October Friday. My heart’s narrows would rather have gone on long strolls looking at every leaf on the trees and the ones fallen.
Alas, its already feeling dark earlier, days are short and our atmospheric colors have also been wearing grey black blue monotones!
My hour routine cleaning appointwent could have felt peaceful as though laying there in shivasna pose. Alas I was wrapped up in an early present – the news that my years of rumination and clenching are now married and have further been co-creating stress and chipping away, literally many of my teeth!
That lightness I felt prior to 3 PM quickly unraveled to an afternoon of shallow breaths and a lot more grazing.
It occurred to me that when self pity, fear and panic stay long they manage to navigate ùs into the narrows of my head. Steering away, up or down or sideways they are riding the storms of negativity in all its illusions.
Sometimes they go astray and land in the narrows of my heart. And suddenly that self-pity and wallowing feel far from what matters. The heart knows too well all that mulling is a selfish indulgence, churning around froth and disconnect from the world and it’s people.
As long as I graze, I’m looking down where the grass is. In the meanwhile, life, seasons, people and opportunities will need me to look or will pass me by.
Fatigued at 8 PM we hopped on the #7 bus west bound. Packed like sardines off we went. The week’s exhaustions painted people’s tired faces as they clung hard and strong to what would support them and bring them safely to their homes.
I’m so nauseated by an earlier gourmet grilled cheese indulgence and the sideways position l’ve gotten cornered into. Alas, I’m pulled out of adventures in my brain’s narrows to hear the bus driver announce the arrival of an infant in a buggy. We all cleared way for this tiny one. And then again i was thrown back into the narrows of my heart… the father over the moon and completely mesmerized in the magic of his child. His human sized fingers gently wrapped in with his little fella’s tiny darling ones.
It was so heartwarming, I had to snap out of the cycle of rumination if only briefly, to hear and witness joy.
Amongst other stories of the day was a homeless man on the floor in the middle of a busy local pharmacy screaming he was having a seizure, his body shaking and trembling and the seeming slowing of time for the medics arrival; and all that consumption I witnessed in the overwhelming maze of a place called Pacific Center mall.
I’ll try talking to my teeth and my jaw tonight to give all that clenching, grinding a break.
I’ll try and check in with my cheeks and forehead, making sure I’m letting my self explore more the narrows of my heart and less my mind.
Just how that brand new father and son were easing in, gently, with delight …
I’ve come full circle of letting go and Easing in.
For the 5th consecutive October, I’ve watched this very show.
Once a lush full bodied Maple tree, still standing strong but bare.
Juxtaposed against the thriving red wall. They’re both tall, one larger than life, bare bones and all.
I marvel at it today just as I did a week ago when it was gleaming yellow leaves at its peak.
As did I when it perked up into the most refreshing green at spring’s arrival earlier in the year through summer’s gushy lush.
In a world we are grappling with change and uncertainty at the speed of light, I relish in the simple graceful predictability and rhythm with which nature shows up October after October, season after season.
Offering me the gentle reminder to hold hope and gratitude for the simpler and the simple things in life.